Non-violent communication VS reality

Non-violent communication VS reality: When dialogue meets its limits

Non-violent communication (NVC) is a bit like that miracle recipe they sell you to solve all your problems. In theory, you defuse a conflict like a pacifist ninja: a well-chosen word, attentive listening, and bang, everyone ends up holding hands and singing Kumbaya. But in practice? Well, that's another story.

In this article, we'll look at why NVC is great in certain contexts, but also why it can leave you completely helpless when faced with a good old dose of real violence. Spoiler alert: sometimes, the opponent is just there to go to warand NVC is not enough. So, ready to dive in non-violent communication VS reality ?

NVC, that great tool... when it works!

Let's not blame NVC. Just because it has its limitations doesn't mean it doesn't work. On the contrary, it shines in many contexts! Here are a few examples where NVC works wonders:

With the family When your teenager says "You don't understand anything, leave me alone", you can either explode or listen, rephrase things calmly ("You feel misunderstood, don't you?") and show them that you're there to talk, but we're all human, so I'm not blaming you if you get angry sometimes too...
For companies NVC is a star in open spaces. Managers use it to prevent meetings from turning into Tarantino-style settling of scores. Talking about needs instead of accusing ("I need more time" vs. "You never do your job on time") has saved many a day. You never do your job on time") has saved many a working relationship.
Well yes, you're not going to slap Michel in the face just because he's dared to make a comment about you in front of everyone twice now, just because he's your superior? yes, you are? 😉
At school Many teachers adopt this approach to deal with unruly pupils. With a mixture of benevolence and firmness, they manage to avoid drama while setting clear limits.
In mediation NVC: Whether it's to resolve a neighbourhood dispute ("Your barking dog is driving me crazy") or a painful separation, NVC is often the tool of choice.

In short, in an ideal world where everyone is a minimum of dialogueNVC works miracles. But... what about when the other person is not at all in the same mood? That's when things get complicated.

Non-violent communication VS reality: when things go wrong

Ah, reality. That wonderful mess where people don't follow the rules, where they shout, push and sometimes become violent. And that's where NVC has its limits. I saw proof of this the first time I offered a complete module entitled "Coping with violence.

I had set one condition: I wanted someone to manage the part communication. That's where Monique, a colleague and NVC expert, comes in. I didn't know her yet, but she seemed solid. So she took charge of the theoretical part while I was there for the more... practice.

But you know what's funny? I ended up attending his classes. And the questions from the participants were often the same: "Yes, but if the person physically attacks us, what do we do?" Or : "How do you keep calm when someone is screaming in your face?" These specialised educators recounted situations that were so intense that even Monique, despite her experience, sometimes seemed, not disconcerted but astonished, to say the least.

That's when I couldn't get the words of Pank, my hypnosis trainer (which is nothing more than communication) out of my head: "Whatever happens, everything's normal and we're staying calm. Except that staying calm can't be improvised. It requires a real background and mental and emotional preparation. And that's where NVC reaches its limits: it's great when both parties want to a minimum But when faced with physical aggression or uncontrollable verbal abuse, it becomes almost irrelevant.

When violence goes too far

The stories I heard during these training sessions were edifying:

Educators assaulted by out-of-control teenagers on a daily basis. Trying to talk about needs and feelings to someone who's swinging a chair isn't easy.
An employee confronts a manager who shouts and threatens. Here again, NVC quickly shows its limits when faced with an emotional escalation.
An attack in the street. Spoiler: the aggressor doesn't want to "talk", he wants to dominate.

These situations show that, in certain contexts, persisting in an attitude of dialogue can even make things worse. So what should we do?

What to do when NVC isn't enough?

When non-violent communication reaches its limits, you need to add to your toolbox. Here are a few ideas:

Set clear limits. Sometimes a firm, direct "stop" can defuse a situation much more effectively than a long speech, and believe me, there are many ways of saying stop...
Learn how to manage stress. Learning to keep your cool, even in a tense situation, is a key skill, as is regaining your composure afterwards.
Practise self-defence. Without becoming a martial arts expert, knowing how to protect yourself physically can make all the difference in the event of real danger.
Take a step back. If you feel that the situation is becoming unmanageable, there is no shame in calling in a third party (manager, police, mediator, colleague, etc.).
Build an integrated system which will take into account awareness of your environment, communication, but also everything I'm talking about, space management, personal protection, and physical elements adapted to each person... (here, as I say in training, the aim is not to become Chuck Norris but just to avoid taking a beating...)

NVC as a starting point, but not an end in itself

NVC remains a valuable tool. It helps to avoid many conflicts and to maintain an open dialogue in tense situations. But we have to accept that it has its limits. In the face of real violence, aggression, or interlocutors who just here to fight it outBut it can't be your only tool.

And having other tools available as back-up, such as a good passive guard even a few combat techniques will transform your non-verbal communication and body language, which is sometimes enough to dissuade a suspected opponent.

In a nutshell, non-violent communication VS realityIt's like trying to fix a car engine with a screwdriver and nothing else. It works for a few screws, but for the rest, you need other tools.

So the next time you're faced with a conflict, use NVC as a starting point. But don't forget to supplement your toolbox with more pragmatic solutions for those times when theory is no longer enough.

"Avoidance is better than flight, flight is better than de-escalation, de-escalation is better than confrontation, confrontation is better than death".

Rory Miller