Saviour vs. rescuer

Rescuer vs. Lifeguard: The art of rescuing without drowning yourself

During a fasting holiday I took part in, I was lucky enough to hear a story told by Sonia Pasqualetto which explained the difference between saviour and rescuer. A simple story full of wisdom, ... but first I'll take you to the origins ...

Karpman's dramatic triangle: The origins of the concept of the saviour

To fully understand the 'saviour' dynamic, it is essential to return to Karpman's famous dramatic triangle. This model, derived from transactional analysis, describes three main roles that we can adopt in transactional analysis: the Victim, the Persecutor and the Saviour.

• The Victim embodies distress, dissatisfaction and a feeling of inferiority, attracting persecution while refusing to acknowledge its share of responsibility. She seeks attention, particularly from the saviour, in order to obtain compassion, without making any effort to change her situation. In transactional analysis, this role corresponds to the Negative Adapted Submissive Child, characterised by dependence on others and a tendency to complain.
• The Persecutoralso known as the executioner, seeks to dominate or devalue the victim, thus expressing his aggressive impulses. He imposes strict rules and, at the slightest deviation, makes disparaging remarks. This attitude allows them to assert themselves in front of others, often for their own benefit and profit. In transactional analysis, the persecutor is associated with the negative normative parent, characterised by excessive criticism. It is important to note that the role of persecutor can be embodied not only by a person, but also by an external element, such as an illness, which contributes to placing the victim in this position.
• The Saviour, The role of saviour, often perceived as gratifying and rewarding, enables the individual to gain the trust of others and project a positive self-image. It is often a case of a person who has been a victim in the past, rushing to help others without being asked, in order to compensate for their own wounds and dissatisfactions. However, this attitude can have negative consequences for the person being helped, keeping them in a position of dependence and offering them a justification for failure. If the victim's problems are solved, the saviour loses his raison d'être and the benefits associated with his role. In transactional analysis, this saviour figure is likened to the negative benevolent parent. Let's leave theory for a moment...

The saviour, or the one who jumps into the water

So there I was ... a simple story full of wisdom, which illustrates perfectly the crucial difference between being a 'saviour' and a 'rescuer'. To fully understand this nuance, imagine this scene:

Le saviour sees someone drowning and without thinking, he throws himself into the water. Urgency drives him to act, his intentions are pure and his heart is big. But once he gets close to the person in distress, everything gets complicated. The panicked victim struggles. He strikes, clutches desperately, listens to nothing. Very quickly, the situation becomes perilous for both of them. Visit saviourNow exhausted, it too is in danger of sinking.

This scenario, although dramatic, reflects a much broader reality than that of a simple rescue at sea. We can all, at one time or another, find ourselves in the role of the rescuer who rushes in, motivated by the desire to help but sometimes to the detriment of our own safety.

The rescuer, or the art of benevolent distance

Now let's look at another scene. For those of my generation, let's go back to the legendary credits of "Baywatch". Pamela Anderson, generous figure, hair in the wind, running in slow motion on the beach. 1990s music in the background, and above all... a lifebuoy in her hand (for others, you can visualise David Hasselhoff if you prefer... ;-) ).

Come on, I'll put the credits on for the younger ones or if you're feeling nostalgic...

But it's not just about style. Pamela, in true lifeguard professional, never arrives without ... lifebuoy.

When she intervenes, the first thing she does is throw her lifebuoy to the person in difficulty. Why would she do that?

1. The victim is responsible for hanging on

When the lifeguard throws the buoy, leaving the person in distress the choice of whether or not to hold on to it. This changes everything. The act of grabbing the buoy is a commitment, a first step towards rescue. In this way, the victim becomes an actor in his own rescue. They choose to accept help, without being forced or suffocated by overprotection.

Why does it really help?

In reality, allowing the person in difficulty to make this choice means giving them back power over their own situation. It also means avoiding falling into the trap of the saviour who does everything for the other person. By holding on to the lifeline, the victim commits their energy and willpower to saving themselves. This concrete gesture boosts their self-esteem and provides a real impetus towards overcoming the crisis. It's like reminding her that she knows how to swim, even if she forgot during a moment of panic.

2. Protecting your own safety

As a lifeguardMy aim is to help this person, but not to die in the process.

The buoy creates both physical and emotional distance. It allows the lifeguard to keep our feet on the ground, not to get caught up in each other's panic. Because let's be honest, nobody wants to end up like a bad remake of Titanic.

3. The buoy: putting your ego aside

The buoy plays an essential role in the operation. It becomes an indispensable accessory in its own right. It's not just me who has "saved" this person. The lifebuoy, this neutral tool, avoids falling into the trap of the saviour's ego.

The story doesn't become "look how great I am for saving this person", but rather "I used the right tools to enable this person to save themselves".

Why does the difference between Saviour and Rescuer change everything?

When you become aware of this difference, you can manage your relationships better and avoid drowning in other people's problems. This allows you to conserve your energy, respect each other's limits and encourage autonomy. As a therapist, coach or even just a friend, knowing when to throw the buoy rather than jump into the water is an invaluable asset.

A word about Sonia Pasqualetto

Sonia Pasqualetto is not only a talented storyteller, but also a professional accompanist.

Sonia Pasqualetto shares her teachings, which include the Hawaiian philosophy Ho'oponopono and many other related paths.

If this story speaks to you, you can find out more about Sonia Pasqualetto by visiting her website Facebook. Her performances are always full of kindness, generosity and energy.

Conclusion: balancing help and self-protection

Being a good rescuer means learning to throw the lifebuoy at the right moment, to offer precious help without losing yourself. It means understanding that sometimes the best help you can give someone is to help them get back on their feet.

So, the next time you feel the call of the saviour within you, ask yourself: do I have my lifeline within reach?

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